Time Standing Still

Have you ever felt like time stood still? We have all wanted it too. But have you ever been so in the moment not fixated on anyone else but yourself that you lose track of everything, yet your senses are on heightened alert? If not, it is a presence that I wish everyone can experience. I cannot tell you how I arrived at that destination in time, but I did. I just became present.

This summer was hard. I had to say goodbye to three people who were there for me in ways I cannot explain. Leslie was murdered. One of my best friends moved to Colorado. Then I had the best closure that I could possibly get with someone else, if you were to even call it closure. It was more of me wanting to smack the person in the head with an iron skillet, but I have no control over other people… I digress. Those three things together all happened within a month of each other. My depression plummeted. I did not want to get out of bed, but I did. I did not want to smile, but I did. I did not want to be that bubbly person that everyone expects of me, but I did.

Then to knock it out of the park the day my best friend moves I realize that I still struggle with putting up boundaries. This may not seem like that big of a deal, but it was more disappointing for myself. When I get uncomfortable, I freeze in situations. this does not equate up to good things happening.

Three days later I was planning on having a simple brunch with someone who I truly trusted with everything that I had. It turned south quick. To get through it I chugged a bottle of champagne. When I could, I left. Not the smartest idea. At 2:30 pm (Oh I do not have my kids at the time, they are with their dad, that’s important) I am driving when I should not be. Having a panic attack. Can’t breathe. I was crying beyond belief. Thankfully no one was home when I arrived. I plummeted into the shower, and everything just spun. I found my way to my bed and crawled underneath the sheets and just screamed into my pillow. Again, someone that I trusted with my life, broke that trust and many other things. I could not grasp my head around it. I waited until I sobered up. Quickly went to one of the few people I had left. But they weren’t alone at their job, so I did what I do best. I suppressed it. Not good.

From there my PTSD was in full swing. Anyone touching me wanted to make me scream. The slightest touch of shaking a hand made me want to rip my own skin off. I stopped sleeping. If I did, I woke up in cold sweats from two different nightmares that just took turns taunting me in my head.

Now do not get me wrong during all of this, beautiful things happened. I went on the best trip with my kids to Destin. I cannot explain that trip in words. As my kids say, “My favorite part was all of it, except mommy’s phone debacle.” And I agree with them.

I had so many beautiful, good things happen. But if you know depression, PTSD, and anxiety do not care if you’re having a happy moment, they come when they want to come.

My last hoorah before going back to work for the next school year was the Rebelution concert. Last year I went by myself. I told myself that night I would make it a priority to go to a concert alone once a year. I decided to make this concert that again. And it was an experience.

I went with the expectation to let go of certain emotions that I did not want to hold on to anymore. When I got through the gates all worries just left. It was so hot everyone was sitting down waiting for the opening bands to start. I popped a squat next to several different groups mingling. I people watched as I always do. I could feel the piercing feeling of wanting to scream creeping up inside me from just being around so many people. (Remember my PTSD has not calmed down). I just laid down and started to control my breath. I have no idea if people were staring at me. I may have looked dead laying on the floor. I have no idea. But I just took in everything. I let every emotion I had been suppressing just go. In that moment. Silence happened. I cannot explain it to you. It was the weirdest feeling. I could feel all the energy around me. Not the noise and excitement from people, but the energy. It was as if I could see everything in a different perspective. It was in that moment I was here not to let go of what I was trying to let go of. I was here to find myself again. My energy. The center of my soul. It just told me to remember how far I had come and where I was going. To be okay with all the pain I had been feeling. How long that moment lasted I do not know. But time stood still. Then the noise rushed back in, and the rest of the night was just pure bliss. Energy in so many ways.

You may be thinking this chica is crazy, and quite frankly I will agree with you. Yes, I am. You may not believe in any of these things and that is truthfully okay. But the reason I say any of this is to remind you that you are here for a sole purpose. What that purpose is, you may never know. Aches and pains will come and go just as the beautiful highs.

Whenever you feel off route or out of alignment just stop. Stop and feel, smell, taste, hear, see things you would normally never realize. Feel your heart beating under your chest. Feel yourself. Feel your energy that is quite literally pulsing off your body. Get to know yourself. The person we see the most is the one we look back at in the mirror every day. We may not like everything we see, but it is perfectly imperfectly you. Create that friendship. Trust the soul that is placed within our human flesh. Just breathe. One at a time.

Peace out from the Perfectly Imperfect Queen