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Lauren👸🏼

The Word That Saved My Life. Help.

I have typed this first sentence repeatedly. My backspace button should be broken by now. So, I am just going to start here. I have written countless blog ideas with different topics ranging from A-Z. Problem is I have not been able to finish them in the past couple weeks. Yay to the perks of battling depression. Some people only have it around stressful life events, some have it seasonal, and yet some of us just get to battle that mother fucking demon all 365 days a year. Woot! Woot!


This is going to be short and sweet, I think. This time last year I knew my shoulder was torn. My surgery was scheduled. My life was in shambles. My depression was at a high. I hated myself. I felt like a burden to everyone and everything. I had no respect for my body…ect. Fast forward two months and I learned one word. One word that saved my life. Well, it could be stretched out into three words. Help. I needed help. I found a life coach. I ask for help from my friends and family.


In the past saying those words meant I was weak. I was not capable. I was a burden. Now those words to me mean I am strong. I am human. I am a warrior.


These past couple weeks I slipped into a deeper depression. The difference between this year and last year, this year I knew the black hole of depression would end. It was not this overwhelming doomsday feeling. Yes, I struggled. I struggled to just fold my laundry. I had my dress clothes from work hanging in my restroom built up from a couple weeks. At least they got steamed many times right? Getting out of bed was/is still hard for me. I normally wake up 4:45/5:00am. I was sleeping into 6:20 and frantically getting my kids and I ready for school. On the weekends I just wanted to sleep. I was mentally so tired from this fog that overcame me.


This year though I kept journaling every morning. Even if it was just the five things I am grateful for and my manifestations. For several days that is all I wrote. I kept picking up self-help books. I kept moving my body. Not to get more fit, but to just move it. The biggest thing of all. Just yesterday I opened up to my mom and said I am struggling. “I am ok, but I am struggling and I need some help. Just remind me I am going to be okay.” I messaged one of my mommy best friends and said I need help. I need to get out of my house and move. She opened her arms wide and said come over on Saturday. We will figure it out. I fought back tears sitting in the gymnastics lobby as I responded to her. This time last year I did everything possible to seclude myself from everyone. Making the feeling of being alone magnified.


Last night while lifting I told myself over and over again you are getting out of this and you are not going into a spiral. This morning I woke up slightly relieved from the overwhelming crushing feeling that depression puts on your shoulders and entire body.


No matter what you are battling, you are not alone. People are wanting to help you. I promise. Admitting that we need help is hard. It is still hard. I am always terrified in opening up about my mental health. Asking for the first time feels like you're going to get the wind knocked out of your lungs. The thing that is amazing, everyone reminds me that I am being stronger for asking for help.


So many people are struggling right now. With the pandemic still going on, everything in Ukraine/Russia amongst many other things… life is just gloomy in the world. So many of my colleagues are struggling with mental health right now. So many people I see barely making it alive. I feel like I am in The Walking Dead sometimes. But guess what. We are all in this together. Our boats may not be the same and our rivers may be different, but everyone is trying to at least stay a-float in this game called life.


Deep breaths. Controlled breaths. One day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time if you have too. You have this. You are a strong ass capable bitch… or man!


Help. It is one word. It saved my life. Maybe it can save yours?


Peace out from the Perfectly Imperfect Queen.

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