The On Going Journey To Finding Self Love

The words self-love are words that are thrown around all the time now. T-shirts are made that say “Love yourself” or “Self-Love”. The question is do people actually love themselves? Most people are programmed to be most critical and harsh on themselves. They neglect everything about themselves to meet a certain criterion or impress somebody. We lose ourselves through influences and relationships. There are millions of books on how to find to find love for yourself. I am reading one right now actually. Single or not, read “Single. On Purpose” by John Kim. It is some good stuff on finding self-love. He talks about how we lose ourselves as we grow up. We are influenced by x, y, and z and forget what it is like to feel our soul. He even mentions how some people have even not felt their soul their entire lives.

This got me thinking about my soul/ my self love. I have been on a journey since April 26th, 2021 when I fought for my life. I slipped into a very deep depression for many of reasons. (Yes, I am healthy now and I love my life and where I am going). My journey started with a life coach, self help books, journals, and pens. I was on short term disability from having my bicep reattached to my labrum/meniscus repair. I could not work for 4 months. The current job I had would only allow for employees to return if they could lift over 50 pounds. In those four months of regaining strength physically, I went from rock bottom mentally to feeling the best I ever had in my entire life at that moment in time. It was not due to not working. It was not due to being able to relax every day. Every day for over 2 months of this I learned to work on me. I worked on how to start loving myself.

For me it was re-learning the neurochemicals in the brain during addictions and habit formations. It was literally writing out my entire life story. It was learning how to meditate, and holy shit learning how to get a natural high is fucking fantastic. It was also journaling every single morning. I started to paint. I opened my love for the arts again. Making my bed every morning, learning to feel emotions and not suppress them, and amongst many other things.

But a big part of this jump start on self- love was learning grace. Grace on others and most importantly for myself. Since I asked my ex-husband for a separation in early 2019, I have not made the smartest decisions in relationships with men. Sadly, that is all too common for people leaving abusive/toxic relationships. I did things I am not particularly proud of, but they all lead me to exactly where I needed to be. (Another thing I have learned: The universe has everything played out exactly as it is supposed to. The people we meet and encounter are their for a particular reason. No matter how short or long they are in your life)

I learned to have grace on my ex-husband, to the boys who molested me all through Jr. high, the man who raped me my Jr. year of High school, family members who turned on me when I needed them, a group of men who bet money on me and gang raped me after they decided I was worthless, friends who abandoned me, mentors who decided I was not worth their time because I did not live up to their expectations, and one of the hardest ones for me is grace on the man that showed me what love could be and igniting that candle, but he knew he was never going to choose me. So, when he left, my entire world shattered… again. But that is an entire other story for another day.

Self-love is a continuous journey that will never end. It is not perpendicular. I picture it more like a toddler’s scribble scrabble all over a paper. It is hard. It is lonely. It makes you feel crazy at times. But it is also one of the most rewarding experiences that I have ever been through. It is so freeing. I am so much happier now, than I ever have been. It is not because my life is perfect and I have everything going for me. It is because I know that no matter what the universe will support me. I will be guided to where I need to go. I am light/energy that can enlighten someone else. I know whatever comes my way, I will get through it. Will it be easy, absolutely not. Challenges are inevitable. Without darkness, light cannot exist. Embrace it all. It is a beautiful journey. Sometimes we learn the most from the darkest parts of us.

So I strongly encourage you to start the process of self- love. I cannot exactly tell you how. For each his own. But I hope that when you do, a light is ignited and you realize the worth that you have. The beauty you have within you. The abilities that you have. It all starts with acceptance. Acceptance with where you are now. Not where you want to be or where you were. But where you are now. Accept everything as is. Love your journey. Embrace it. Roll in the dirt and feel the energy from the earth. This is part of the universe. Where we came from and where we will return. All the same energy.