One of the things that has changed my life is living like and believing I have worth. John Kim states that “Worth is not something you believe. Worth is something you build… It’s a process. More accurately, a space.”
In our society we have millions of distractions that deliberately tell us what worth is. Depending on what your focus is on, worth is usually a fancy house, kids, a perfect marriage, being fit, skinny, having the fancy job, having a hot spouse/partner, looking like you all have it together… the list can go on.
For me having worth at one point in time was having a boyfriend/husband, kids, a house, a car, a job that was not cringeworthy, looking perfect from the outside, being the best wife, the best friend, the best coach, the best employee, trying to be perfect, trying to stay skinny enough for my husband to pay attention to me…
When measuring my sense of worth in those compartments I was miserable. I was measuring myself to everything external. What everyone thought of me. No wonder I was a miserable fuck. No wonder my depression kept digging deeper. My anxiety nagged on me day in and day out. I was never measuring my worth to anything internal in which I needed to be. I was never focusing on myself. I felt like I had no worth regardless of checking off the boxes of things that were labeled as “worthy”. That partially grew from the external sources I allowed to creep into my head as a child.
I grew up in the church. Every Sunday and Wednesday we went to church. Parents were “perfect” Christians. I never saw them argue (yay that is were I learned to never confront anyone). One of the ‘wonderful’ things (I am being extremely sarcastic), in my opinion that the church teaches is the value of sex. It is wrong before marriage. Bad before. Perfect after. It is black and white. You are going to hell if anything sexual happens before. You are horrible if you have sexual thoughts. Bullshit.
I hit puberty at the end of third grade. So, imagine my young brain and body having all these chemicals released. My body changed. My mind wandering. I had a sister that was four years older than me. I watched her actions. Will not lie I became boy crazy. Early. So, what was a told. I was wrong. I was bad. (None by my parents by the way… they were battling their own demons and did not quite know what I was dealing with… part of the non -communicational family system that was built). I was told by a leader in the church “I do not want a person like you near my son.” What does that mean? To a nine/ten year-old girl, it means I have no worth. This led into Jr. High. The only way I felt I could have worth is perfect A’s and boys. This led to me being molested… a lot. I was a bad person because it was sexual. I could not tell anyone because it was my fault. I was bad. I had no worth. Being told from a group of men that I had no worth was also a huge factor into my deep depression and lack of self-worth. This thought process built on top of itself until I became a full-grown adult with kids, married, with a degree… everything that I thought would make me feel worthy. It did not.
I felt like a fuck face. Mistake after mistake. Never appreciating my body. My unique personality. I was a miserable fuck. I had absolutely no idea who I was. Even what worth meant. When digging into my past and understanding why I choose the choices I do, understanding my own history, my family’s history, this is where it all began.
Again, all my light bulb moments started to happen spring of 2021. Worth has nothing to do with what anyone thinks of me. It is not a standard that comes from the external world. Worth comes from within me. There is much more to it but having that as part of your foundation is a start. It is a process that will be built for the rest of your life. These wake up, ah-hah moments, are not a one-time thing. It is a daily choice and belief that you must choose to believe every day. You must manifest it. Build on it. Care for it like you would a plant. Water it every day. Will at times it wilt…yes. Water it. Reevaluate. Build on it. It is a choice.
One day you will be able to say “Fuck you” to whoever you need to. (I do not mean literally most of the time. There may be a time that is appropriate… but make sure it is not out of anger like the one time I ever said it). You will be able to say fuck you to the people who are talking shit about you. The family members that judge you on every holiday. The coworkers who gossip. The boss that thinks you working out in your garage by yourself in a sports bra and spandex is wrong and worth firing for. (Obviously I am still working through this emotion…eek). The voices inside your head you battle.
The self-labels that you have put on yourself over the years. The labels others have thrown at you. One day you will be able to throw both those fingers up and know and feel that you are not those things. You are perfectly you. Perfectly imperfect. Believing that you can say fuck you to any situation does not make you awful. It does not make you a bad person. It makes you strong. Confident. It makes you have boundaries that are not made from chalk. Boundaries lined by permanent marker. It helps you have respect for yourself. It helps you realize your worth is valuable and worth protecting, and it will ALWAYS be there. It will never go away.
I hope everyone realizes I do not mean literally walk up to everyone and everything and throw up the middle fingers. I am talking about the value and feeling of knowing your worth. Knowing that you are unfuckable. You are a bad ass capable bitch as my teammates say to each other. Male or female or non- gender. You are worthy. You are beautiful. You are this infinite space of energy and light that deserves to know you are worth it.
There is nothing wrong with being confident in yourself. Yes, some will think you are a bitch or a dick... but fuck it. Believe you are worth it.
It is a steppingstone path. It is a journey. But you are valuable enough already to start that journey. No matter where you are at. You are a capable ass bitch.
Peace out from the perfectly imperfect queen that is worthy of so much!
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