Over this past week I have received two big things that I have manifested for at least 9 months. One my son got into a pre-k program that will help me out financially. Two, I got the job I have been working for all year long. I literally had tears of happiness on Friday when I received the news from the principal at the school I am already working at. I was so excited. With extreme excitement, comes the fatigue afterwards. I do not know if everyone gets this or not. It is something I have learned within the past year. If I have one emotion that is heightened. It is followed by extreme fatigue.
I woke up on Saturday. My kids were with their dad. So, I got to sleep in. When I woke up, I had this overwhelming feeling of dread. Like something was going to go wrong. Before I lifted, I decided to journal. It was then that I realized I am terrified of losing what I have worked for. But it was not that feeling of fear that struck me. It was the cycle my body still creates after anything good happens. And I hate it. I am tired of it. And I am angry at the people who made me like this.
One thing many people may not understand is how mental and psychological abuse works in a cycle. The abuser will do something nice/big or huge to keep the victim in, and then boom it is followed by the hit of everything that is too much to go into detail here. Although I know I am safe. I know I will not lose my job. I know my son got into the pre-k; my body still fears and expects this negative crash followed by anything good. It is the most annoying thing ever. Fighting my own mind.
How do you fight this? How do you teach yourself that everything is going to be alright? It is a constant mindfuck battle between you and your brain. It is another battle that my mind must face and conquer, and it is fucking exhausting. This entire weekend I have been just depressed when I should be celebrating. I hate it. I hate battling my mind. I do not know how long this battle will take to win. I just know it is one day at a time. Slowly re-wiring my nervous system.
When can I learn to trust my own brain? That is part of mental and psychological abuse. The abuser creates this overwhelming sense of no self-trust, and they make you feel crazy. Well, damnit I still feel crazy. Constantly having to decipher if what you are feeling is real or if it is your brain playing tricks on you from trauma is just annoying. For anyone who is going through it. I love you. You are a badass warrior. For anyone who is having to watch someone go through it or heal from it, be patient. We do not trust ourselves nor do we trust anyone else. Being programmed to second guess everything to the point you cannot even trust your own thoughts… it is hell. Everything for years has been a lie. Our brain tells us lies all the time.
Just be patient. We are having to re-wire our nervous system. It takes time. And it is different for everyone.
So, it is a weird time. I am beyond proud of myself and am amazed at what manifestation can do. It truly is magic. But as I am writing this with my feet hanging off a waterfall and the water sliding over my feet, I still feel dread.
One day this nervous system of mine will be healed. I will know when I can trust myself and others again. One day I will be able to get good news and not fear a negative right after. One day I will be able to say I battled and won. Until then I will battle every single day. I will live to tell my story. I will continue to share for those who are not far behind me in their journey. Let’s all have some light to look forward to. Keep hanging on!
Peace out from the Perfectly Imperfect Queen.
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