As mentioned earlier we have all had the “what the shit am I doing” voice run through our heads. I am pretty sure we have all also had the “I cannot believe I fucking did that” voice too. Well, I had/still have this voice in my head over one predicament. It is not one I am proud of. Without it though, I have no idea where I would be at honestly.
So here it goes. Part of my life that I am gulping and really do not want to write about for everyone to read and see or judge… but shit happens, and we learn. The best part is sometimes growth happens in the darkest of places.
We have all heard the saying “find your soul” or “be one with your soul.” What does that really mean. This is what is means to me.
After my ex-husband cheated on me, I do not know how many times, I myself ended up in an affair with a married man. Looking back, I still have no idea how it happened or honestly when it ever started. I cannot pinpoint a day. It just did. It was not in my plans at all. I never wanted to do to someone what my ex-husband did to me. But I did. And it led me to finding my soul.
Without going into too many details, it all started off with me getting a job I did not really want to have. I was already super depressed. I was angry at the world. Scared. In the middle of my divorce. Hurt. My walls were up against everyone. I did not like anyone.
One of my best friends at the time got me this job. On the day’s she was not there, there was this one guy who seemed to help me get through the griping eight hours of work. I was not attracted to him at all. In fact, the first day of work there I literally said to myself and to my friend at the time “At least I cannot fall for anyone here.” Well fuck my life. I was fucking wrong. He was not my “type”. Not athletic at all, super nerdy, over 100 pounds heavier than me when we first met, and just someone I would normally never even look at.
I found myself talking to the biggest dork. His hands shook when he was around me. He would say the cheesiest of lines. But something about him made me feel comfortable. Found out he had been through a not so pretty divorce and had to fight for his kid and that is how we bonded at first. He quickly found out I hated working there and always tried to make the days be not so gloomy. I felt like I was a failure… I was extremely negative. Honestly, I do not know how I was attractive to anyone. I was so depressed.
One afternoon on my lunch, I went out with him to his car because at this point, he could read when I needed a break. I ended up crying in his car over another guy. Super impressive I know. From their it just grew.
The one thing about the guy, I’ll call him Leonard, is he was always saying something positive to me. He always checked in on me. And to get extremely awkward, if you haven’t checked out and clicked out of this page by now, he was the first person to ever ask me what I wanted physically.
To some that may not seem like a big deal. But for me it was huge. I have had my fair share of being forced, having my head shoved down on a dick, being told I was not doing it right and ignored for hours, or being told I was complete shit because I did not do something exactly the way it should have been done. I had never been asked what I want.
The first time he told me that the ‘evening was mine and I did not have to do any of the work’ I was like wahhhhhhhht! But as odd as it may seem. That was the beginning of me finding me. Me beginning to respect myself.
Before I knew it my walls were completely down for him. He became my best friend. I told him everything. And I mean everything. I talked to him about my periods, my kids, how I dropped my contact on the floor and now I cannot find it. He was the first person I ever told about being gang raped. He was the first person I told about a lot of things. But deep down we both knew what we were doing was wrong.
We tried several times to break it off, but for me it was like saying goodbye to my best friend. soon enough, shit hit the fans. A couple months later I had surgery and I told him he had to go. The day I told him I ended up having one of the biggest panic attacks of my life. My body was literally fighting itself. My poor father had to help calm me down. I have no idea how long it lasted, but I know him seeing me like that was not on his bucket list as a father. Especially since he had no idea why I was having the panic attack. A month later Leonard was caught again. This time we went cold turkey, and this is where my transformation really started.
I had this disgusting guilt hanging over me. I felt like a horrible person and I did not want to forgive myself over it. My life coach that I had picked up helped me work through a lot of the emotions. She helped me realize that even though the event itself was not ideal, I had to remember what he had taught me. The good times and the lessons. He taught me to love my body. To respect my body. That my body was its own and no one else had a right over it. He taught me that I deserved nothing less and that I am a queen. He taught me that I can be more beautiful now, even after being broken. Kintsukuroi. He taught me that I do not want a relationship that is superficial and based upon sex. I want a friendship. One that I can fall back on and just be myself. He taught me that I need to be me. One-hundred percent of the time. I will find who I am looking for by being me. He taught me that sex is amazing. It is not a labor filled duty that is just repetitive motion. He taught me about communication. Comprehension. There is so much more, but that’s just the tip of the iceberg on what he taught me.
Moving on from ‘what many people would see as a horrible act that is a sin and I am going to hell’… I continue. I know that if anyone was to be put into my situation, they would have done the same thing. They would have had my same background/neurological pathways that would have led them to my actions. Vice versa if I was in someone else’s mind/body I would do the same as them because I would have the same background/biological pathways. This is where grace comes. This is where learning to not tear yourself apart comes in.
Through everything, I have learned to love me. Where I am. Not my past. Not who I could be. But where I am. I love my soul. I found my soul not during the most appropriate time of my life, but I was appreciated and valued for who I am. I was able to connect with a part of me that was lost so many years ago when I was just a child. My sexuality. So yes. I love being naked. I love exploring with myself. I love me. Everyone should honestly be able to have a relationship with themselves past a vibrator to have an orgasm or sex just to get off. Feel your body. Understand your body. Know what it does and does not like. I am not just meaning this sexually. When you start to learn more about what your body craves and how to control your body, an entire new experience occurs. You appreciate your body. It does not become this sexual object anymore.
I am still working through this journey. I will not lie and say I am done wallowing over the situation. For any of my Gilmore Girl fans I still have the “boyfriend box” in the top of my closet. It is okay to be sad over something that may not have been ideal in the eyes to everyone. We all have emotions and have the right to feel them. I tell my kids everyday that every emotion they have is valid. All of them. Even the ones that we do not like or people do not let you have. Feel them. Embrace them. It is your body telling you something. No emotion is a bad emotion. Without understanding these emotions, or even better yet acknowledging they exist, we cannot find our souls.
When you find yours… you have begun the most precious and beautiful journey. It is different for all. But love the experience. All of it. The good. The bad. And the ugly. It is what makes you perfectly imperfect.
Peace out from the not so perfect queen. Judge away if you must. But if your judging, think about where those judgements are stemming from. What emotions are they bringing up? Reflect upon yourself. Learn your soul.
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