As I walked into the building on my first official day as a first-year teacher my feet stopped and my eyes watered. I looked up and spoke to Leslie and said I am doing it.
I knew it was going to be difficult. I knew I was going to be tired. I knew all the things I have seen my co-workers go through and my mom my entire life. But what I did not expect was this agonizing feeling of just wanting to speak to two people. One I can physically no longer speak to, and the other I must choose not to speak too every damn day.
Every morning as I get in my car, I say to myself “Ok Leslie, what song do I need to listen to?” (Her and I would always share music as we drove to work). I take a deep breath and listen to the lyrics because I know she is always talking to me.
This past Wednesday was a shit show at school. The kids were fine. It was the damn technology. If you know me, you know I hate technology with a passion. That was the one thing I was most scared of walking into my own classroom. Sure enough the website for our quiz did not work and several of my students could not log on. I spent my lunch tutoring and talking to district tech people. At the end of the day as I was looking at the quiz results, I just felt defeated.
I know I cannot reach every student, and three of my classes are heavy in kids who struggle in school. So my grades will not be the highest and I know that, but hell I just felt like shit. I was averaging about 2.5 hours of sleep that week per night. My kids have decided to wake up every hour on the hour. And I just missed my two people.
Thursday morning as I got to school, I remembered a saying that one of them used to say to me every day. “Go be super mommy.” So I wrote down ‘Super Mommy’ on a sticky note and placed it on my desk top screen. I took a deep breathe and started my day. The day was much better and by the end of the day I felt perfectly fine.
I have one teammate who is going through a lot, and I like to send her the same thing from time to time. “Be super mommy today.” Because she most definitely is.
We are all super in some form and fashion. We all have a given talent within us that all have the capability to chase. Many of us choose not to chase it out of fear. Fear sucks balls and quite honestly, I have to say ‘Fuck You’ to its face quite often. Imagine what life could be like if you could conquer your fears. We can all achieve what we want. We either fear failure or fear the work that must be put into what we want to become or where we want to go. Some have more work than others and it sucks. Some hit more obstacles, hello I can wave that flag here, but it does not stop me from trying to get to where I am going. Sometimes that destination changes halfway there. But that is the beauty of life.
Our pathways are ours to choose and we get to move our own feet into the destination we are creating for ourselves. It really is a beautiful life as ‘Ace of Base’ sings in their song.
Whatever you fear look it strait in the eye and press forward. Scream fuck you as you take one step in front of the other. I can tell you every damn day as I am teaching, I am scared. Scared of failure in so many ways, but I am doing this for my kids and myself. I am finally in a place where I can start living the reality I have been dreaming and hoping for since stepping out on my own with my kids.
You must hold fears hand and walk beside it like it is your friend.
One step at a time super mommy. Or whatever super you wish to be.
Peace out from the Perfectly Imperfect Queen
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