Hopefully this will be short and sweet. This is for you if you need it, but basically, I am about to talk to myself as well. Give myself a little pep talk or a slap on the ass.
I have not written much due to the fact my depression and PTSD are at a high. I have actually written several blogs but haven’t had the energy to post them/edit them/ or do anything. To be honest I am living in survival mode again. I am tired of it. Time to work...again
My neurochemicals in my brain are all out of whack. I asked myself the other day, what have you been lacking? I thought hard. Yes, I have had several life altering things slap me in the face in the past two months. Yes, my PTSD is so bad, that someone touching me without me knowing makes me want to jump and scream into a corner. Yes, my depression is crippling, and I want to do absolutely nothing. But here is the thing. I have stopped meditating. I have stopped reading a self-help books every day. I have stopped journaling every day. I have stopped manifesting every day. Honestly Lauren, THAT IS WHAT YOU GET FOR STOPPING! GET UP AND DO THE WORK. YOU HAVE DONE IT BEFORE. DO IT AGAIN.
So here it is to everyone else. We are all programmed to want to stay complacent. Our brains are chemically wired to literally go against anything that is different than your normal routine. Even if it is healthy for you. Your brain does not know the difference. It just knows that what you have been doing, you have survived.
If you want something better. If you want a happier life. If you are tired of being depressed. If you are tired of your job. Your life. Your marriage. Your friends, or whatever the case may be, ONLY YOU can change it. It is hard. It is scary. It is just downright exhausting at times, but if you want more… Jump. Leap. Skip. Army crawl if you need to.
If you fear the unknown. That is normal. If you are scared what family and friends will think, no offense, fuck them it is your life/ your happiness. There will always be haters. There will always be someone talking behind your back. Use that as fuel as hard as it is sometimes. No one knows you better than yourself.
One of the hardest decisions I have ever made was filing for divorce. Not because I feared filing, but because I was afraid of not having my kids every holiday. I was afraid of losing the picture-perfect family I had always dreamed of. I was afraid of hurting my children. I was afraid of hurting my ex-husband. Do you see what I was missing? I did not take into consideration of my feelings. My body and mind being hurt. I was afraid of what everyone else thought. I was not taking into consideration I had to live in my physical body, and no one else did. Do what makes you happy. If you are happy, your kids will be happy. I promise.
Work. Grind. Jump. Do what you need to do. Do what makes you happy. If you have to say fuck you to the rest of the world as you wake up every day, then say fuck you. But say it with meaning and pride.
Whatever you are battling at this moment. Fight. Push. Keep grinding through. However, I do not mean push through and ignore your own wants and desires. Push and fight for yourself. You are an amazing miracle no matter how fucked up you think you are. Truth be told we are all wonky and screwed up. Embrace it. Accept it. Love it. Work on it.
Peace out from a Perfectly Imperfect Queen
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