It has been a hot minute since I have written anything and posted it. I have written, just decided not to publish them. I have truthfully just been letting myself heal. Letting each day go by and taking it literally one minute at a time.
Recently within the past monthish at work I have had this overwhelming feeling of being proud. Not per say me proud, but my inner child. I know not everyone knows and understands what inner child work is. It is working on understanding how your childhood effects/effected your adult life. Doing this can help you grow and heal.
I learned to do this after my shoulder surgery. The first time I spoke to her and realized she is still there, she was still hurt, she was still alone, she was still scared was a feeling that cannot be described in words except maybe healing and therapeutic. And yes I actually spoke to her. It was through a certain type of meditation, but oh how that was life changing. All she needed was some reassurance that she did the best she could do at the time, and she is loved and forgiven for the actions she chose.
Yes, this may seem a little insane, but the fruit of being able to do this is so rewarding.
Lately so many things have reminded me of her. Being at my job and truly being able to be myself. How many of ya’ll can say they are not afraid to let out their inner weird at work. Not afraid to be judged. All while also being able to help lead others to learn to be comfortable in their own skin as well. It is fucking amazing, and I only wish everyone could get that type of opportunity.
With the TikTok videos going viral of the teenage filter I actually decided to try it. I am not that old, but just wanted to see what I “looked” like as a teen. I honestly think it just looks like a normal filter that takes away all the wrinkles and blemishes, but it was eye opening. While watching myself in the above screen, I was reminded of my inner child. I have been struggling with the emotions of how I allowed things to happen to me as a child. Why do I freeze every single time a man tries to take advantage of me? Why did I allow all the boys to molest me through Junior High and never say anything to anyone? It was because I was doing what I thought I needed to do to survive. Looking back, yes you see the different options you could have done. But in that moment, you survive on what your body thinks is best. For me it’s the fawn and freeze. Fucking yay. But seeing myself without the wrinkles and the tiredness behind my eyes I just internally spoke to myself. It made me wonder if I could go back in time would I change anything?
To answer this question, no I would not. I would not be the strong, fiery, independent woman I am today without every single one of those experiences. I would maybe go back and tell my younger self be ready to buckle down you have a crazy road ahead of you, but you are going to be strong, feisty, and beautiful at the end.
The other day I went and bought some jeans because I have lost so much weight from dropping a weight class for my sport, my pants were becoming loose on me. I laughed so hard when I fit into a size 2. I used to starve myself to try and get this tiny like my sister. If only as a kid I knew and could comprehend that all my body needed was love, the right nutrition, and the correct type of exercise I could have gotten their without being miserable. I am 30 years old and the tiniest I have been in my life. The strongest I have been in my life. The healthiest I have been in my life. I love food. It is my fuel.
It is funny to think all our body needs is love. Our inner child needs the forgiveness and knowledge that they are still loved and were loved. Your adult self needs to be loved and forgiven just as much. Imagine what you can accomplish if you just learn to love your body where you are at right now. Not where you want it to be.
My body has been through two pregnancies, one of which almost killed me, an eating disorder, cutting, physical abuse, mental abuse, sexual abuse, molestation as a child, rapes, and a gang rape. My body is damn strong and miraculous. What has your body been able to help you survive? Love your body and the soul living within it. It is the only person you are stuck with for the rest of your life. Loving it and giving it the fuel it needs everyday feels so much better than beating yourself up every day and hating it. Just saying. Yes I know it is easier said than done, but never taking a step forward will never get you in the direction you are trying to go.
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