Music is my love language. Ever since I was a little girl I can just sit and listen. It calms me down; it pumps me up. I was shocked when I found out some people do not get goosebumps when they hear music. I love listening to lyrics. I usually know I will get along with someone when we start sharing music videos with each other and comparing music taste.
This afternoon when I was meal prepping, I was listening to the Rebelution station on Alexa. For anyone who does not know who they are, which is probably most people, it is reggae group. For those who read my prior blog Leonard introduced the band to me. I instantly fell in love with their music, and they are spectacular live. And going on tour in America in 2022. So, look them up!
I was already feeling down in the dumps. I am recovering from covid, which seems like a never-ending process and my body goes up and down in feeling energetic then I crash and hit a wall. I knew why I was feeling down. Writing yesterday's blog brought up a lot of memories for me. Memories that I am still processing.
During the summer I met up with an old colleague I used to coach in the same gym with and we were discussing life. One of the things she said has stuck with me since. She was explaining that she had to grieve everything that could have been.
So today while I was listening to Rebelution all the songs sent me spiraling into thoughts. For some people it is not that big of a deal. I battle anxiety. I battle depression. So, when my thoughts start spinning my coping mechanism is to either suppress them by ignoring them or go do something that is distracting. That is most people’s coping mechanism now that I think of it. As a society we all suppress our emotions and never come full circle with them.
There are certain songs that come on that give me specific memories and I cry every time now. Not always sad cries. Sometimes good. My kids love the music and sing the songs with me. They even know it relates to Leonard. (Yes, I am honest with them about my emotions now and why I have them. They do not know details, but they know the music reminds me of someone who was extremely special to me. You can disagree, but I am trying to teach them to have a healthy relationship with emotions).
Then a song came up. Not one that has normally been a relation to memories, but oh my lanta today it hit like a ton of bricks. I had just finished chopping all the chicken into tiny bits and cutting up my veggies to sauté and my chest tightened up. I could feel the water works starting to gush out of my eyes uncontrollably. My heart rate decided it wanted to try beating out of my chest. I poured the veggies into the pan from the cutting board, and I couldn’t swallow. My kids were running around the house not arguing for once in their lives. That is when I realized I just needed to sit with my emotions.
I laid down on the cold tile floor. My arms and legs spread open like the letter X. I just laid with my emotion. Feeling the coldness of the tile on my back of my body. My crop top sweatshirt was raised so my mid back was extra cold. I just listened to the lyrics. Breathed everything in. Accepting it as it was. Out of my control. And that was okay. I was going to be okay.
My son ran past me and asked me what I was doing. I told him I was needing to feel my emotions. So, he came up and laid on top of me for a little bit. His little warm body and his faster heartbeat on my chest. He looked at me and asked me why I was crying. And as I always say to him when I cry, “Mommy’s heart is hurting, and this is how she processes it. I do not know why. But it is me. And that is ok.”
Sufficient with my response, he leaped up and kept on playing with his big sister. I realized I had been laying on the floor for probably about ten minutes and got up. I laughed when I looked over and saw the kids had set up a “school” where my daughter got to boss her little brother around as he was the student. She packed him a lunch and was teaching him all about what Pre-K will be like next year. Then the lyrics to that song hit me. It talked about things fading away. How everyone moves on. I realized that these little babies playing school would be gone and grown up one day and I needed to cherish the memories. So, the rest of me cooking was me just absorbing all their giggles, their voices, their feet pattering on the tile floor as they ran to bring yet another toy out to the kitchen area where I was.
Grief is interesting. It comes and goes in waves. Over the years I have grieved many of things. Summer of 2020 I couldn’t look at the cheese in the Trader Joes store I worked at because the expiration was 6/16… which would have been the anniversary of my wedding. This past year in 2021 I was in the car with my mom looking for a long sleeve dress to cover my tattoos for a job interview and I looked on my phone and the pictures popped up on Facebook of memories. It would have been five years married. I started laughing hysterically and my mom did not know how to respond when I told her what the date was. I at that moment realized I had moved on.
Grief though takes time. Sometimes years. Sometimes we need to grieve over things we do not even expect. One of the things I have done is meditate over my child self. In my original therapy after realizing I couldn’t keep living the way I was living anymore, my life coach had me do an exercise where I essentially meditated and saw myself as a child. I apologized to her for not being able to have everything that she needed mentally and emotionally. I told her I know how she feels, and everything will be ok. There was more to it, but that meditation was life changing. I woke up in tears, but it was a relief my inner child needed.
I like to think grief as something you will always carry. At first its this huge bag that looks like Santa’s toy bag exploding and the little, tiny elf is struggling to carry it. But as you work through everything. Feeling your feelings. Recognizing when you need to just have the emotions and let them pass. Not suppress them. That bag becomes a normal size trash bag. Still heavy, but it’s doable. Then one day it is just in a purse. I honestly think it’s a Mary Poppins purse, but it is something that you can “move on” in your life. I put move on in quotes because you cannot move on and forget. If you do that, its not healthy. It will always be there, it’ll pop up when things trigger a memory, but the memory wont sting as bad. You have realized the event is something that has passed and no longer serves a purpose in your current life.
So, learn to feel your emotions. Do not run from them. Welcome them. Let them flow through you. Literally lay on the floor if you must. Research grounding techniques. They are a life saver.
As always, my days are full of emotional ups and downs. Just blessed to have them and the ability to try and understand them.
Peace out!
Here are the lyrics to “Fade Away” by Rebelution
Life is short. Enjoy it and take it all in. Enjoy!
When all of this is said and done You will be alone Cuz I know this won’t last forever Here’s a toast to your unknown Mother of us all You and I are one together I know this won’t last forever But I wish this would last forever Waking up to your eye I don’t have an answer And so I think I know you better Waking up to your eye And multi-colored sunsets You’re the one who gives me shelter I know this won’t last forever But I wish this would last forever Keeping it calm Until we all fade away and move on Keeping it calm Until we all fade away you live on
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