"Are You on an Acid Trip."

Normally when I start writing I have an idea of what I am trying to say or an emotion that I am working through. Today I am staring at the computer space with absolutely nothing in my head. This past week has been, as my coworker asked me as I was explaining my meditation experiences for the week, “Are you on an acid trip?” Starting from last Sunday to this Sunday I have literally been on the wonkiest roller coaster of emotions. It is annoying as hell and exhausting. I sometimes ask myself am I really this crazy, or am I just healing? Apparently when you are healing your emotions are all over the place. Yay for me.

Since I was a kid, emotions have been overwhelming. They take over my body more than the average person it seems. I cry… over everything… still do. I just now laugh when I am crying. So that makes me look extra cray cray. I now know my emotions are my body’s way of telling me to reflect upon something and feel it. An amazing tool that I am so happy I am finally learning as I am about to be in my last year of my twenties. Even last night I finished up watching Legacies (CW show), and I was bawling my fucking eyes out. I facetimed my pregnant best friend telling her she needs to be next to me so we can cry with each other. I am also a sympathy crier. So, if you are going to cry, I am going to cry hands down. Then I will make us do jumping jacks because for some reason that makes a person not cry.

I have even had the conversations with both of my kiddos this week that it is okay to be angry, sad, and even an emotion we cannot explain all at the same time. I catch myself getting frustrated with them when they are working through an emotion and must take a step back and remember they are learning to navigate everything just as much as I am. Luckily, they are learning as a kid and will not carry horrible coping mechanisms with them into adult hood. (Or that’s what I am hoping and trying to teach them).

As my writing is scattered just like my brain at the moment, I want to share a story that has happened this week.

I am reading a book about how the universe gives us signs. The book is mainly aimed at how the deceased still communicate with the living after they have passed, but there is several other parts to it as well. Last Sunday, I cried myself to sleep. Over something that I cannot seem to work through. Monday I was in a funk at work. Tuesday, I read about asking for signs from our spirit guides. (Yes I may sound like a hippie, that’s okay). So, I thought I would try it. I asked the universe to give me a sign if I should either move on or wait and be patient. Random sign I came up with is an “Apple” to wait and the number pattern “283” to move on.

Wednesday nothing came during the day, but I was reading my daughters library book at bedtime. I turned the page and there was the word apple. I literally paused and got this weird goosebumpy feeling. Surprise! Tears came to my eyes. My daughter finished the sentence and said I was being weird. I thought to myself that was a coincidence, another apple please universe?

The next day I was teaching 6th grade math and reading one of the word problems to the entire class as I was going to show the problem on the smart board. The entire question was about apples. I snorted in front of the class and just chuckled to myself. Looked up and thought, “Ok… one more…”

The next night, Friday, I got off facetiming with a friend and about to go to bed. I thought to myself no apples today. For whatever reason I clicked on Facebook and the image that popped up was an “apple” I just smiled.

The following morning out of nowhere my laptop started playing a YouTube commercial about food. It was 6:32 AM. I was dead asleep. Laptop was shut down night prior and closed. Can you guess what was on the commercial? Apples in a hello fresh add, but I was also dreaming about the thing I was asking if I should be patient and wait on. Freaky.

I haven’t seen any today, but four times in four days is not a coincidence. So indeed, I must wait. Rather you believe in this type of stuff or not, it is still super cool.

My meditations have been wacky this week. I’ve been able to hit a deeper state and see my spirit guide instead of feeling just its presence. It is so calming (No I am not on any drugs). Being able to communicate with the universe is something that has literally been part of my survival these past 9 months of my life.

The first time I got into a deep lucid dream my daughter woke me up. I put her back to sleep and the entire time I was laying in her bed I felt calm and high. I messaged my life coach and asked her what the hell is going on with my body, is it supposed to do this? Her response. “This is part of what meditation is. Reaching that deep level and releasing endorphins, serotonin, and dopamine, but naturally.” My first though was holy shit where has this been my entire life. Since then, it has been a journey. I can reach that state at times and others I cannot. Ironically, all my paintings I have done are from meditations except two. (The two I painted with my kiddos in the garage, and they blended all the colors into a poopy color that drove me nuts).

So, I guess this blog is showing my Alice and Wonderland meditation brain. Meditation is something that a lot of people find intimidating. They think you must “not think”. It is the opposite. You think a lot… you just do not control it. You let the thoughts run free. Going wherever they take you. I personally lay down and meditate. It is easier. I use guided meditation at times, but most of the time listen to binaural beats. It works best with headphones in, but I usually do not because mommy duty is never off and I have to hear my crazy children wake up because they have a cut on their finger from a week ago and it decided to hurt at 12 am.

Whatever your emotions tell you this week, it is okay to not feel like your okay. Embrace the craziness. Know that you are perfectly imperfect and learning to navigate through your emotions is itself an Alice and Wonderland experience. Try meditation. I would love to give more tips on how I do it if you would like to ask.

Keep healing. We are ALL healing from something. Keep pushing through. One day at a time as I tell myself every day. One hour if that is what you need to think. Love the life you have but be bold. Change the narrative if you are not happy. It is okay to step away from something that is not making you happy. Or step towards something that is unfamiliar. Growth is not comfortable. Remember to be grateful and always always toot the horn from the hot mess express we are all catching a ride on these days.

Much love,

The Perfectly Imperfect Queen

My meditation paintings. All things I have seen in my lucid dreams or emotions I was working through.