I honestly do not know where to start. Just when you think you are healing from traumas from the past you are hit with a big one. One of my best friends was murdered by her husband on May 20th. I still feel out of it. My memory is really bad. I feel like Dory from Finding Nemo. I still feel drunk. I get moments of nausea still. I have moments of I just want to break down. And I know these are all okay. I know this will take time to heal.
The thing that is hitting me hard and I did not expect it… all my old coping mechanisms that I have worked so hard to rewire in my brain are flooding back like the red sea closing in on the Egyptians. I am battling once again the urge to cope in ways that nearly destroyed my body. I already battle depression, anxiety, PTSD, and now let's just add to it. It is hard and at moments I do not want to budge. I just want to lay in my bed and do nothing.
As humans, from caveman times, our brains are wired for one thing: survival. Our conscious self may understand and know that change is good or certain things are good, but our neural pathways and our caveman instincts just know that change can mean death. As kids say to me all the time at work, why would I do that if what I am doing is working. True argument. Our brains argue that all the time. So, the programming my body has built throughout my 29 years of life, along with my caveman instincts tells me that anything different means I could potentially die. How do you fight that? It is hard. It is exhausting. No matter what your brain and body deal with, even without a mental health disorder, that is hard to rewire.
Just like muscles, we must practice using our brains in a specific way. We must manifest what we want. We must meditate. We have to tell ourselves that every day we are choosing to do something different, it is better for our bodies.
Healing involves change. We have to accept that we have lost something. Rather it be a human, an idea that was not given from your past, your sense of identity, and I could name a million more things. Change. No one likes the word.
Losing my best friend means things have changed. I no longer get the 5am text in the morning. I no longer have my person to vent to about certain subjects. I no longer have someone to dance with in the parking lot. I no longer have someone who understands things the way I do. It sucks. It hurts. I get angry. And I know this is all okay and is supposed to be the grieving process.
How do we move on? How do we heal? How do we let our bodies accept the change without falling 10 million steps backwards into old coping habits? I do not know. I just know I am taking it day by day. I think that is one of the beautiful things about healing. It forces you to take life day by day. Isn’t that what we are supposed to do anyway. Not dwell on the past, not look to the future in anxiety.
So here is to another adventure of healing. I said in January I have learned to stop asking the world what could be worse or what can happen next. My last healing adventure changed my life for the better. So, bottoms up to this change, adventure, my part of my life that is coming. It is scary. It is unknown, but it can be just as beautiful as the last.
To anyone healing, grieving, or just trying to move forward with your life. It is one at a time. If it needs to be minutes, seconds, steps, or even breathes than let it be so. Just remember you are not alone. If you battle mental health challenges like me, as hard as it is, reach out. Get help. Take medicine if need be. I just upped my depression/anxiety dosage again just to get through this period. There is nothing wrong in asking for help.
Peace out from the Perfectly Imperfect Queen
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