If anyone has seen Sing 2: picture the iguana, Ms. Crowly, coming back from trying to get Clay Calloway. That is about how I have felt mentally lately. One eyeball replaced with an apple, paint all over my clothes, my car smash (I actually have smashed my car recently), blinkers on, but one is popped out, tires flat… “I have been doing so good,” I keep telling myself that. I have been doing all the things I normally do. Meditation. Journaling. Manifestations. Affirmations. Exercising. Eating healthy. Reading self-help books. The list continues. I have even had hard days and have let family and friends know I am struggling, I am fine, but I am struggling. This is progress over bottling everything in like I used too.
Some events happened. One was a close family member telling me I was selfish, and I was not taking care of my kids. The following week I was told that people did not think I could handle being a full-time teacher because I put my kids first. They did not think I could do it. To much pressure. This set me off. I wanted to explode.
This spiraled into me realizing that I was starting to set my self-worth on external factors. We all do it. It is so easy. Realizing this helped me wrangle in my thinking which has helped significantly. I am worthy because I am a majestic form of energy meant to bring light to this world. We all are. My worth has nothing to do with what anyone says of me. Rather I get a job or not. I am an unstoppable queen, that may fall on her face in mud at times, but I get back up fix the tiara and I fucking go. I climb the mountains. Even if it is the same mountain that I slid back down from.
Speaking of sliding down from. Mental health. I preach it every time I write. I have a co-worker who on the second day at this job I have now I approached. I had this feeling that he himself dealt/was dealing with dark, scary, un-nerving thoughts. I approached him. Told him about myself and sure enough I was right. Listen to the energy vibration within you, always do it. So him and I have been each other’s “hey I am struggling, really faking this bubbly personality shit.” It has been amazing. He does not judge the fact that I do not feel like dancing. I do not feel like singing. I am not bubbly. He’s like cool. I get it. It’s exhausting pretending to be something you are not feeling at the moment.
As a society we have created this atmosphere that we always have to be bubbly. Actually everyone sets a “standard” for you, then usually we all decide to go along with it unconsciously, or consciously. We need to be okay with people feeling their emotions. Still be able to get things done. Do our jobs. Do what we need to do. But it is okay if we are not the same person every single day. We shouldn’t be. We should be growing. In which growth sometimes is done under the dirt. Buried in darkness. And it is a roller coaster ride of emotions. Healing is painful. Growth is supposed to have a million different emotions. We need to express them. (Obviously in a healthy way that is not deemed wrong in our society).
As I rant on, I will ramble about meditation for a second. I have been trouble meditating. I have not been able to lucid dream. I know I have been irritable. The voice that taught me to love myself, my twin flame, his voice/his soul presence is what has been getting me through. His soul connected with mine is my voice of reason. I sometimes do not like hearing it because his flesh I cannot have. But I know his soul is always with me. For some this may not make since. Clock out if you must.
After trying to contact my spirit guides, failing. All these different things and failing, I decided to contact my twin flame through meditation. It was exactly what I didn't know I needed.
Sitting on a plateau where I can feel the warm breeze, smell the crisp air, see the sea of green trees I see this pathway made of marble, jewels, and all the fancy rocks. The path led to this castle that just glistened from the warm sunlight. I followed it and when I appeared near the castle this man, my spirit guide, led me down below the castle to this brook that swept by the side of the base of the castle. Moss slithered and overhung the cave that we entered at the entrance to the stream. Soft fluffy like rapids kept flowing by. And my spirit guide said look up my dear. There he was. Walking through the hanging moss dripping water. Immediately I started crying in excitement. I ran to his arms, and we embraced each other. We only had minutes together, but it was enough. Enough for him to remind me with a peck of a kiss on my forehead that everything was going to be alright. The mountains that I know I am about to have to climb, will be hard. I told him that he must remember he is strong and worthy. We hugged each other and his soul left. I cried knowing that indeed it was all going to be okay. My spirit guide guided me back to the stone path and back to the plateau I went. I turned around one last time. Took in a deep breathe and felt the embrace of his soul. I woke up.
Whenever I wake up from lucid dreams I almost feel as if I’m high. I feel like I am floating. I woke up and my body could still feel his embrace. I was crying in my meditation. Tears had built up in my ears and were dripping down the back of my head. I got out of bed went to look in the mirror. My heart was overwhelmed with this feeling of peace. Even without seeing him in person, his soul is always with me. Guiding me. I mean his soul did come from the same energy mine did. I looked into the mirror and in the same place I felt his lips press against my forehead was a smear of dirt. I lost it. Hands covering my face, fell to the ground. Curled up in a ball, I took a deep breathe and said you have this you beautiful, worthy, queen. Everything is going to be alright. We may not be together or ever will be in this physical lifetime, but we can still teach others how to love themselves and embrace who they are. That is what him and I taught each other and will teach others. Our souls purpose.
Rather you believe in this stuff or not, take a deep breathe and everything is going to be alright.
My life right now is pretty bumpy. I feel like I have lost control of the ship and the storm has not even come. But I know I will be guided through safely. I just have to listen. Listen to yourself. Listen to that voice inside you. Listen to the universe that gives you signs left and right. We are just to busy to read them. Slow down. Our paths are already laid out for us. Just follow the energy.
We may all be on different paths, different journeys, have different stories, but remember it is okay to feel all the emotions. Embrace them and hug them. Even the ones you are afraid of. They are all energy and all a source of you. Embrace it all. Be the light.
Peace out from the Perfectly Imperfect Queen
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